Anxiety
Today sucked.
That took a lot of courage to do. Hell, most of what I do for you takes so much courage that I usually don’t have. I am an anxious dude. I messed up a ton of times and was super nervous. That’s why when Alana came out I just bailed. If you were watching, you would’ve noticed that I didn’t hold focus anywhere. I looked all over so I didn’t have to focus on the audience. I hate audiences. If you watched the first in my feelings I did, I looked around a lot.
If you noticed the second video was better; I was on a stage, where the only audience was the camera. Closed set. Nathan and I were alone. If you watch the full video (here), we get goofy at the end.
That’s why so much of my stuff is spread out among the social medias. I don’t like all the focus in one spot. I never have liked the spotlight. I am more of an outer edge behind the scenes guy. I always was a wallflower at dances until my favorites came on and I dove into the crowd, getting my groove on. I love dancing. I loved the school dances and never wanted them to stop. I am definitely a club kid. Some went to find love and whatnot; I went dancing.
Fun story: One of my favorite times dancing was on the cruise. I hung out around the edges of the dance floor, chilling at a booth by myself. There was a small group dancing on the dance floor, a young couple and a wife dancing for her husband. In the young group of all sexual orientations. After the one song, this flamboyantly gay shipmate, on his night off, walked off the dance floor and made pleasantries at everyone around, when he got to me he did this hilarious head swipe up, giving me the wildest snub ever. I loved it.
I find my voice every once in a while. I love photography and videography. I need to push myself more to do those. I have been sticking to graphic design and other media instead of camera ones. I am so good at camera ones too.
Anxiety keeps me from a lot. I hate making phone calls. I always have. I mainly used my phone for inner circle people and even then I prefer text to phone anyway. I think the only people I call are Katie and my Mom. Even then, it’s rare. I don’t know why that is. I have always just been an in-person conversation kinda guy. I love text-based media because it’s easily editable. I can meditate as I write. I never make phone calls. Hell, I call off work via email and text in the mornings if I am the first there.
If someone calls me, I generally answer. I am just hella nervous. I bump dial a lot and immediately hang up instead of talking to the person. I’ve done it to you a couple of times.
I think that comes from my Mom when I was a teen. She didn’t want me having a cell phone and my girlfriend at the time, Brandy, gave me one of hers (she had two). We couldn’t talk over the phone so I usually talked to her via text. It just kinda stuck. I think a lot of people hate me for that. They don’t understand it.
A lot of it comes from being introverted. My Mom understands it. My Dad doesn’t and never did. He always thought it was something against him; I’m just a quiet dude. Dane, Pat, and Rob (the besties), don’t understand it either. All of these people should though; it’s not new behavior.
I love music. I wear headphones a lot at work and people hate it. It makes me anti-social but I am just grooving out and in my own universe. It helps with creativity
Sorry, I am getting rambly. I am high and a little drunk.
This blog is over for now.
When the universe calls though, I tend to answer… just saying…
A nice wonderful cup of self doubt is better than coffee in the morning; it’s a great way to set the tone and let the world know you truly hate yourself.
